Tips to Handle Aggression in Children

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Tips to Handle Aggression in Children

Just read a news item. A six-year-old boy stabbed a classmate, another six-year-old girl, with a divider from a geometry box. The child is badly wounded, and the class teacher has been suspended for negligence.

Where does this aggression come from? When a child is born, during infancy, you don’t see this. Some children cry more, some cry less. Aggression appears sometime later.

The Vedas say:

यदन्तरं तद्बाह्यम् यद्बाह्यम् तदन्तरम्

What is inside you, you give out; you transmit out. What is outside you, around you, you imbibe; you take in.

The second statement applies to the child. If aggression has entered the child, it is from the surroundings—parents, family members, TV, neighborhood, friends, or school. There is absolutely no other way aggression can get into the child.

Prevention is always better than cure. Don’t expose the child to aggression. This requires a conscious effort and constant monitoring. I’m not saying everyone should stop speaking their mind. Every home will have its share of differences of opinion, but make them civilized debates, not violent arguments. Control rage.

If, at any point, you feel that a discussion is getting too heated and a child is present, stop. Be careful about what you watch on TV in the child’s presence. Be mindful of the friends your child chooses. If the child spends time at a neighbor's house with an aggressive environment, it can also affect the child. At a child’s tender, sensitive, formative age, everything is important, and constant monitoring is required.

Like a patient’s pulse, temperature, and blood pressure are monitored in a hospital bed, you have to do this for your child. Any deviation in behavioral patterns, you must probe and find out the source, then take corrective measures. Select a school that emphasizes discipline and proper behavior molding. If the child is picking up bad behavior at school, bring it to the teacher’s attention; it could be another child, and by doing so, you may help that child too.

Now, how to deal with aggression if it has already set in? Never counter aggression with aggression. At the same time, the child should realize there will be consequences for aggressive behavior, such as losing a privilege. For example, take away a favorite toy for 24 hours and explain why: "When you hurt someone, this is what happens." Deny the child’s favorite playtime with friends for a day.

General scolding and warnings won’t help much, as the effect will fade. But action can help. If the child has hurt a sibling or friend, work to normalize the relationship quickly. Persuade the child to say sorry, but don’t do it aggressively. Avoid shaming the child in front of the victim. You can also reward the child once this happens, but do it afterward, not as a bribe. Don’t say, “If you say sorry, I’ll get you this.” The reward should come after, showing appreciation for their action. This way, the child understands that they are not being punished, but there are consequences for both bad and good behavior.

Take the child away from anything stimulating aggression. Move them to another room and allow them to cool down alone—don’t give advice during this time. Once they have cooled down, then you can start talking. This cool-down period may last 5 to 10 minutes, depending on the need. During this time, avoid distractions like toys or other people; the child should be alone.

If it’s a fight between two children, it’s not important who started it or who hurt more. Both children should understand that aggression and violence are unacceptable, so don’t start investigating who started it. A child may turn aggressive simply because they don’t know an alternative. If a younger sibling takes away their toy and refuses to give it back, the child may not know anything else except to snatch it back, even if it requires hurting.

Teach the child alternatives—this has to be a conscious effort. Tell them, “Next time your brother does that, suggest taking turns. Say, ‘You play now, and give it to me after 10 minutes, then I’ll give it back after some time.’” The solution may or may not work, but you’re helping the child understand that alternatives to aggression exist.

Develop a good connection with your child. The child should feel you are dependable, firm, and just. Then, instead of resorting to aggression, they will come to you seeking a solution.

Knowledge Bank

What does Lila mean in Hinduism?

Anything done by a divinity playfully, joyfully, and without effort is called a Lila. Lord Rama destroyed Ravana and his Rakshasa-army effortlessly. Lord Krishna destroyed millions of Asuras in Naimisharanaya in a second. These are examples of Lilas.

What does Indra mean?

Indra means most powerful and prosperous - इदि परमैश्वर्ये।